I'm back

I turned it off. Somewhere along the way, I shut it down. Not all at once but bit by bit. It hit me today, decades after the transition was complete. I haven't written a single solitary phrase, let alone a full set of lyrics for years and years and years.

It wasn't always that way. Early on, I wrote words and music. Even after beginning my songwriting collaboration with Steve, I wrote songs on my own and even co-wrote lyrics for "Same Time Next Week". I have an entire folder full of handwritten, signed lyrics by yours truly. But somehow, not long after filling that up, I encased what was left of my lyrical creativity in concrete and walked away.

It was a decision steeped in pragmatism, contentedness and distraction. Steve and I had a workflow: I wrote music, usually a section or two of a song, then he wrote words and made suggestions about missing parts. We generated a lot of songs that way and it was a system that worked. I was content to focus on guitar, my first love, and was willing to let the words fall by the wayside. Life was good in Silicon Valley in those days, lots of jobs, tons of work, and sense that it would go on forever. There really wasn't any strong motivation to express emotions; there just wasn't a reason.

Then the realization came over me, all at once. I've forgotten how to dig deep down and express what I'm feeling in the words of a song. My own song. Life isn't as squeaky clean as it once appeared. I never imagined we'd spend nearly a decade trying to become parents. I never imagined I'd reach a point where my hometown wasn't home anymore. I never imagined I'd go through 4 jobs in 3 years. Maybe it was my own disbelief that stood in the way. I just never realized that the impact of life had never shown its face in my music.

And that needs to change. I am unlikely to become the next Bob Dylan or Paul Simon or even Pete Townshend. Even so, I need to get back to channeling who I am, not just into music, but into words. Otherwise, I am holding back who I am, where I came from and what I've been through. I need to express the things that frustrate, anger, terrify and invigorate me. What's inside needs to come out and I need to get back to who I am, despite knowing that I can't simply return to who I was.